As I sit down to type this, I am thinking about the fact that tomorrow, May 11th at 9:45 AM, we will be saying goodbye to Dexter.
I look at him, struggling to breathe, slowly choking down a bit of food (which I swear he is doing for our benefit, not because he wants to), huge lumps in his neck, looking so sad, and just so, so tired. And I know that it is time. To say my heart is breaking is an understatement. This little dog has been such a huge part of our lives for the past 8 and a half years. He has given us nothing but love, happiness, and so many incredible memories. I will miss everything about him- from how excited he would get for a person (any person! all the persons are the best persons! even my Grandma which no animal has ever liked!), for a walk, for a ride, for bacon (for any food for that matter, except healthy things), and how the second the heat would click on in the fall, he would race to the floor heating vent in front of the kitchen sink- his favorite spot after in between Nick's legs (also so warm, ha).
When Dexter was diagnosed with cancer on December 21st, I think a little piece of me was broken, never to be fixed. I know Nick feels the same way. When we found out Nick came home and said "I was trying so hard to be positive and strong." I was, too. We have been so fortunate that the last several months have been filled with so many good times and memories (food! walks! family time! car rides! sun bathing! ice cream! snuggles! unwanted selfies!), that we will cherish forever. He was not a candidate for chemotherapy or radiation due to his type of cancer (poorly differentiated carcinoma with lymph node invasion), so we were lucky in that he never really appeared "sick". He has been mostly himself until the last week or so, where his body has really slowed down,his breathing has become increasingly loud, the tumors have grown considerably, and he mostly rests, eating a little bit when he can. Part of what is so hard is that he looks perfect on the outside- he has not lost a pound, he has such a shiny healthy coat, and I think he would still eat a lot (if he could). He didn't give me a "sign", but I know my dog, we know our dog, and we knew he was telling us in his own way.
I cried so much in the beginning, and the best piece of advice I was given was from my friend Nicole. She has dealt with cancer so much, and she said: you never really know how much time we have. It would be a shame to "waste" what good time you have with Dexter by being sad. Right now, he is acting like your regular Dex, so act accordingly. Whenever I would want to cry, I would refer to Nicole's message, and it helped me so much throughout these last 5 months.
Right after he got sick, I started writing down memories and things as they happened, so when I am older and can't remember so well, I will have this to look back on. This what I wrote (some in order, some just random thoughts as they came to me).
The day Nick brought Dexter home (12/23/2009): I was stuck late at work, and on the way home I called my Dad to talk and he said "Is he cute?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "the dog! Is he cute?" I'm like "WHAT DOG? I'm NOT HOME YET?!" My Dad felt terrible for spoiling the surprise- but a part of me knew something was up. I got home and Nick was laying on the couch with a blanket over him. He said "hey", pulled it down, and there sitting on his neck was Dexter. It was love at first sight, for sure.
As a puppy, he loved sleeping on our face, on our neck, on our shoulder. He just loved being close to anyone that would hold him, snuggle him, play with him. He has always loved people and food- definitely his two favorite things. One time while I was at work, he was crated, and we got a call that the house alarm had been set off. The police came and did not find any forced entry and cleared the scene. I went home, and slowly and cautiously opened the front door, and out came wiggly little Dexter, he had busted out of the crate and his motion had set off the alarm.
We crate trained Dexter as a puppy and there were many nights where he would cry for us. We would get up in the middle of the night, to find he had pooped on himself (this happened a lot) and into the sink he would go. We'd take him out trying to potty train him and say "go potty" ten thousand times while he sat on our foot, looking up at us, squealing like a pig (it was December/January so a bit cold). Then we'd bring him back inside and he'd promptly pee on the floor and poop on our freshly painted white baseboards. One particularly bad night, when he was whining a lot, Nick said "that's it, we're returning him in the morning." 8 years later, I would look at Dexter and say: Just remember, Daddy wanted to return you! Alas, he still loved Nick the best. I still remember his very last accident in the house, I was saying goodbye to my friend Heather and he ran over and squatted on the floor vent (as he loved to do), I said no! And grabbed him and brought him outside (May 2010).
As he got older, we (I) taught him how to ring a bell when he needed to go outside. We had to remove it when Nicholas began crawling, but it was a great "party trick" while it lasted. Sometimes, when we weren't paying attention, he'd go ring the imaginary bell and then run over and look very irritated at us for not letting him out sooner.
Speaking of parties, we didn't live here very long and we had some friends over. I was inside and Nick was "watching Dexter." We didn't have a fence yet and wouldn't you know 20 minutes later our neighbor Tina came knocking on our door with Dexter on a leash, asking if he was ours. Apparently he was on their deck trying to get into their house.
Years later when we had a fence, it was accidentally left open. Dexter ran out and it shut behind him. I was calling for him and he wasn't coming, so I got frantic. I looked out the side door and there he was, sitting patiently waiting for us to let him in- he didn't run away- just sat there, waiting. <3
When Nicholas was born, it was instant "interest". I wouldn't call it love, but it definitely grew to become that. He would follow him around, curious, and his favorite, eat up all the food he would drop on the floor or gently lick it off his face.
We'd take many slow walks where Nicholas would hold Dexter's leash and Dexter would look up at me as if to say "seriously, why is this guy so slow?" He really loved Nicholas, even when Nicholas would grab and pull on anything he could reach. He was never aggressive, always tolerant, and always sweet with him. I've got some pretty awesome videos of them together. When Dexter was diagnosed with cancer, we told Nicholas the truth. We explained that he was feeling good and we would help him feel that way as long as possible- and to focus on how happy and loved he is, and that it was ok to be sad, but to try and enjoy him as much as possible.
If I had to pick a favorite person of Dexter's other than us (Nick), I would definitely say it was my brother's husband Joe. He was absolutely obsessed with him and it was as if no one else existed when he was around. I was so glad he got to see him this past NYE (2017). I've got a wonderful photo of the two of them snoozing peacefully next to the Christmas tree.
Dex loved parties almost as much as we do- all the free food, all the pets, all the licking of people because he got so excited (that was just Dex, not us...usually). Just recently we went to a Cinco de Mayo party and while he wasn't feeling so hot, he made the best of it and tried to lick everyone that would allow it.
Dexter was also very good at making sure you were settled down, reclined, all ready to relax and then "bam!" He looked at you like you were an idiot and let you know he needed to go outside to pee.
Speaking of peeing- he was also part of my Maid of Honor speech when my friend Brooke got married in 2011- Brooke and her husband John have known Dexter as long as I have, and they knew he was going to be mine before I did. For some reason, Dexter peed on John's shoes not once, but twice. That's how we knew he was "the one", for Brooke- Dexter approved and marked him so.
Now onto some random moments/things I wrote down since December:
February 15th (my birthday): I woke up at 4 am and my first thought was I am so glad Dexter is here to celebrate with us.
February 22nd: Sometimes I think- Dexter is sitting next to me slowly dying. Then I realize no- he is living every moment. Dogs don't understand death the way humans do. They have no concept of it, no realization that there is an end. He will be loved and happy, until his very last breath. Humans should be so lucky to have this.
March 19th: Don't waste a second of your life. You always think you have more time- but you don't. Time goes by so fast...try to slow down and enjoy it. Dexter has made me do that these last 5 months, and I thank him for that.
March 20th: We found out today that his cancer came back. I said to him we would do right by him, and not put him through surgery again (he didn't recover well from the first one) or let him suffer.
April 12th: We stopped at Lowell Humane Society to drop off some donations, he ran around so excited and started licking and barking at everyone. Alligator rolls, snort-y kisses for all. It was hilarious and such a sight to see.
April 21st: I hosted book club with my Lowell Humane Society ladies and Dexter was in his favorite happy place, eating food directly off of everyone's plates as if to say "hey i've got cancer let me have that", and licking everyone that would let him.
To Nick: As hard as this is, I am so thankful that we have always been on the same page, have come to decisions together, and have done what is best for Dexter. I can't believe we've lost our first and best boy (sorry Nicholas), far too soon. We will lean on each other and get through this, together. You are the most wonderful man and husband and I am grateful for you every single day. Thank you for bringing Dexter into our lives. You made the best choice.
To Nicholas: I am so sorry that at only 6 years old you will experience loss like I never have until the age of 38. I know you will grow up missing Dexter but I also hope this teaches you about love and loss, and that you will open your heart to pets as you get older. While losing them is so hard, it is so worth it for the love you give to them and the unconditional love they give you in return.
To Molly: Thank you for being a source of comfort through all this. I think in your way you know what is going on with Dexter, and you snuggle up to him even though he looks at you like a grumpy old man. You get so excited when we walk through the door, wiggling and dancing and tail wagging, and it gives us a smile when we really need it. We love you, little girl. I'm sorry we haven't paid as much attention to you these last few months. Thank you for continuing to love us unconditionally and excitedly in your wonderful doggy way.
To Dr. Heckerling (primary vet) and Dr. Cianelli (holistic vet): They gave us the gift of more time with Dexter, and there is nothing- NOTHING more valuable than that. Every day since December 14th (the day the tumor was removed and we brought him home that night) has been a gift. I told Dr. Heckerling this and thanked him, and he is a very nice but shy(?) guy and he was SO UNCOMFORTABLE, but I knew he appreciated hearing it.
To my boss Michelle: I am beyond grateful for her knowledge, her kindness, her support. I often brought Dexter to work with me, especially in the last few weeks. She helped me prepare for the end as best as she could, and I truly appreciate that. I couldn't imagine if I still worked at my other job and had to leave him for several hours a day. She's not only a wonderful boss, but one of the best people I have ever met.
To my friends and family: Many of you reached out daily, weekly, and some just once, and some not at all- and that's ok. I know a sad situation like this can be hard for people, feeling they're not sure what to say. I remember every single one of your messages, every kind word, hug, encouragement and support that you gave me. I would be lost without all of you. A special thank you to Brooke, who went through cancer with both of her dogs- sometimes I had to ask her such hard questions and she never hesitated to answer or help me as best as she could. It sucks so bad that we both went through this but I am so thankful for her love and for being my friend. Same goes for my friend Amy who had to say good bye to her Auggy last month, who was diagnosed with lymphoma just days before Dexter. Noelle, Erik, Jessie, Mom, you all know how much you mean to me and I love you and thank you. A special thank you to our neighbor Sarah as well, for listening to my daily Dexter updates first thing in the morning while we waited for the kiddos to get on the bus to school. I appreciate all the time you spent listening to me.
To my Instagram fam: These are the people that live in my phone. Dexter and Molly have their own Instagram account (mybts0913). I have lost count of the messages, stories, and uplifting words I have received from people that I have never even met and will probably never meet. Many have lost a pet to cancer, have a pet going through cancer, have heathy pets, or are just animal lovers. When I would post a not so great update, I would be flooded with messages, support, suggestions and help. When Dexter turned 8.5 on April 30th, we "celebrated" and people joined in using the hashtag #happy8andahalfdex (check it out for smiles, or #dexterschmexter).
Dexter made it through all of our birthdays- Mine in February, and Nick's and Nicholas' in March. On Greek Easter in April, he got so excited he was panting excessively. I cried because when he pants, he looks like he has a huge smile on his face. I didn't think I was ever going to see that again and I'm so glad I did.
When Nicholas was a baby and I was lucky enough to be home with him, I would take a mental snapshot of his face, to try and remember it for when he got older (yes I know pictures exist, but you get the point). I have often done the same with Dexter, knowing he wouldn't be with us forever. I have truly enjoyed him, never once taking him for granted, always knowing what a good, sweet, amazing boy he was. He was never left in the car alone, and almost always traveled with us so we were lucky to never have to board him, either.
I met a wonderful woman named Lily through social media who took family photos for us back in March. She said to bring his favorite toy and maybe a blanket, or other things that he enjoys. I told her "he loves people and food and that's it". Truer words were never spoken- he ate pounds of treats at the shoot, and at one point tried to leave with another family walking by. It was a beautiful and perfect day, and Dexter was still very much himself. I am so thankful to Lily for her kindness and talent and for this gift. Nicholas has two pictures she took in his room, we have one in our hallway, one in the kitchen, and I have one at work. They are incredibly beautiful and I'm so glad Dexter was feeling well when they were taken. He truly shined that day, and I thank Lily for capturing that and the love that we have for him.
When I went to college, he would come with me to some of my training and grooming classes. Looking back on it, he probably really hated it, but he humored me and came along for the ride. My classmates loved how crazy, silly, snort-y and happy he always was.
Silly random things that he did: Always made eye contact when he pooped, loved peeing in leaf piles, and kicking up the dirt behind him post pee. When tandem walking with Molly, he would often "accidentally" pee on her head. Seeing him get the zoomies- so much joy and happiness. He hated baths and water in general. He would roll over and "submit", then crawl his way to the bathroom at the mention of the word "bath". But, because he's such a good boy, if you said "get in the tub", he would- even though he hated every second. His last bath was in December and I promised him I wouldn't give him another one unless absolutely necessary. He loved to steal the warm spot if you vacated your seat for a moment, and loved the sunshine. He hated gloves on hands and pot holders and tongs. I have no idea why. He had exposure to gloves at a young age as he came to us in December, so it's just a mystery to me. When you "wiggled" your fingers in front of his face, he would go cuckoo crazy- that's the only way I can explain it, I have videos of it and it is hilarious. When people were over, it was as if his actual family didn't exist- he was always so excited and just "so happy to be there." Truly, truly happy. Always.
He was obsessed with our mail woman Tammy. She is an incredibly sweet and kind person. I brought him out to see her yesterday (May 9th) letting her know it most likely would not be long. She took his picture so she could look at his face "whenever she wanted to." He got a milk bone for the road, too.
I knew that we would all outlive Dexter. I just didn't think that he would leave us so soon. When researching breeds, I picked a Boston Terrier because of their temperament (hyper/high energy), and the fact that they were a good family dog. The general life expectancy was 10-15 years. I figured we would have at least 15...
These last 8.5 years with Dexter have been truly wonderful. I take comfort in knowing what an amazingly happy life he has had, what a wonderful life we have given him, and that we were with him until his very last breath.
Dexter was happy and he was loved every single day of his life. He was strong and tough and kicked the SHIT out of cancer for over 4 months, when his vet said it could be a matter of weeks. We always joked that Dexter was a bit "wimpy", definitely a more submissive dog, but he proved us wrong by staying strong for so long. I think part of it is how tough he actually was, but he also knew we couldn't bear to be without him and he held on for as long as he could.
I don't believe in life after death, but I also cannot fathom that I will never see his face again. I will miss and cherish Dexter until the end of my days.
My friend posted a quote just a few days before we had the results of Dexter's tumor removal, and I found it so beautiful that I had to share it. It comes from a blog entitled All My Loose Ends by Jamie Anderson:
Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
Good bye, sweet boy, our best boy, until we meet again.
xoxo
