Honestly, I’m not even sure how to finish that title! Having a baby has been a real eye opener for me with some of my closest relationships.
Nick - First of all – I always knew Nick would be an amazing dad. That doesn’t mean that we didn’t want to kill each other when we brought Nicholas home. There was my quickly failing health followed by a surprise c-section, then having to deal with the pain that came with major surgery. Then add the lack of sleep for weeks and me hating the idea of going back to work, us fighting over the littlest things – it was not easy. No one tells you these things when you’re pregnant, probably because there’s no turning back and some pregnant women are emotional enough as is! When Nick went back to work a week after Nicholas was born, I would get very frustrated because by the time he came home, I was at my wit’s end. I didn’t know how to comfort my newborn, he would cry and cry and I would be so tired/worried/afraid that I couldn’t see straight. The second Nick walked in the door I would hand him over and shower/eat/ do whatever I needed to do. It was exhausting.
When I went back to work, I realized just how tired Nick must have been in those beginning weeks. We would argue because I didn't have to get up for work and he did, but I didn’t get it until I was back at the office.
Aside from all of those things, Nick and I are so much stronger than we were before. I look at him and look at Nicholas and it honestly brings tears to my eyes (almost on a daily basis). I couldn’t have survived without him. I got up at 1 am for Nicholas today so Nick got up at 5, when I asked him he jumped out of bed without question, got dressed, and headed downstairs to care for him. He cleans up messes without me even having to ask. He knows when I need a break and is there to help me with Nicholas or to help me get through it.
Mom/Dad -Growing up, my father was an alcoholic and my Mom raised the 3 of us on her own a lot of the time. I have always loved and appreciated her, but that feeling is so much stronger now that I have my own child. She really is incredible. I think about how hard it must be for a single mom, but how hard was it for my mom who WASN’T single? She had a husband who was too out of it to help her. I have a great relationship with my Dad now, but as many of you know he had his own personal demons to deal with. Between being drafted in the Vietnam War and then struggling with alcoholism, he did not have any easy life. One of the biggest things he struggled with in his PTSD classes was the feeling that he was not a good father to us. Many of my friends growing up didn’t have a father at all – my one close friend didn’t know her father as he was in prison when she was born, another was a child of divorce and her father would rarely see her even though he lived close by. I told my Dad, you may have thought you were not a good father, but you were always THERE, and I never doubted how much you loved me. When I struggled with depression in high school, I had to see a therapist who tried to blame everything on my parents for being alcoholics – I made it perfectly clear to the woman that it was not their fault, that even though they had their issues, I knew they never wanted anything but the best for me and have always loved and supported me 100%. I’m so thankful that I have two parents that love me more than anything, and it is amazing to see the both of them with Nicholas. I’m so glad they stayed together through the years and can now be around for their grandson. It is amazing to watch them with him, he brings them pure joy.
Nick’s Family - I am SO LUCKY to have such wonderful in-laws. Nick’s Mom is a delivery nurse at the hospital where I had Nicholas. I have liked her from the very first time I met her. She and I are basically the same person (but don’t tell Nick that)! We get along really well and I’m so thankful for that. In the beginning I had a few major meltdowns where Nick would take a day and work from home so I could have a break. Nick’s Dad told him that he and Tami (Nick’s Mom) never could have survived without his parents help. His parents have been amazing and usually take Nicholas once a week or so to give us a bit of alone time. I love that they live so close and I know they love being able to see their grandson so often.
When Nick’s brother Dan and his fiancé Kingsley had their first baby Quinton, Nick and I knew virtually nothing about babies. Dan and Kingsley are actually expecting baby number 2 this fall! We recently were in a pinch and needed a sitter for a few hours, and D&K came over without question. I felt badly as we never offered to watch Quinton and he is over a year old now. I said honestly we wouldn’t have had a clue as to what we were doing – but that was still no excuse. I really appreciated how Dan and Kingsley were there for us and now that we’re more comfortable with babies, as Dan and I discussed, there will be sleepovers galore in the near future!
Nick’s sister Alexis was honestly my savior when I was out on maternity leave. I sent her a card recently that made her cry (that was my goal –hahaha!). She would come over at least once a week, even if for only an hour, so I could shower, eat, talk, have a little break – no matter what it was. If I asked if she could stop by, she would be there in minutes. Even when I told her she didn’t have to, she instinctively knew and would show up anyway. For those of you that don’t know, my mom had a baby that died a few weeks after she was born. I would have had an older sister named Rain. Strangely enough, she and Alexis were born on the same day (years apart). So I think of Alexis as the sister I never got to have. I can’t wait until she has her own baby – she is a baby lover to the highest degree and will make the most amazing mother one day.
There were many surprises to me as to how my friends reacted.
First of all, as far as my work goes - I originally wrote a scathing paragraph about this, and then thought better of it. Let's just say people were not nearly as kind as I thought they would be, and it's really made me realize how important my life outside of work is.
A lot of my friends have children. I now see how hard it is in the beginning and of course until you have a child, you would never know this. That’s why I’m surprised that I really didn’t hear from a lot of my friends who have children of their own. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone is busy, and I’ve never been so busy as I was when Nicholas was first born. But a simple congratulations (again, I’m not asking for much!) would suffice, and I didn’t even receive that from many friends I have known a long time.
In the beginning weeks with Nicholas I felt very alone. My mom suffered from post partum and I was afraid this would happen to me. I am so grateful that it didn’t, but the thought and fear was always there. A dear friend of mine offered to visit if I ever felt alone, and I told her -at the time- “I always feel alone.” Still, I did not hear from her after telling her this. That was very hurtful to me and I really don’t talk to that friend much anymore.
Having a child has been an incredibly amazing and eye opening experience. Some of my relationships have gotten stronger, while others have faded away. I can honestly say that my life has changed for the better. I have realized who the important people are in my life, and I’ve learned to let the little things go.
xoxo
